Vincent And The Six People Who Aren't Dwarfs
by Lhachel
Summary: In an alternate universe, Vincent was born out of a wish that his mother's child would be as white as snow, as red as blood, and as black as the really shibby plastic of her embroidery frame. Parody!


Once upon a time, the wife of the president of Shinra Technology was sitting at her window embroidering when she pricked her finger and the blood dripped on the snow outside. She looked out the window, sighing and putting a hand on the swell of her pregnant belly. "If only my child were as white as the snow, as red as the blood, and as black as the smooth, shiny plastic that my embroidery frame is made out of."

Two months later, her child was born- a boy, with snow white skin, black hair, and a cloak (don't ask us how) as red as the blood. He grew up to become the prettiest man in the land, but in the meantime, his mother had died and his father had taken a lover, the wicked Hojo, in her stead.

Hojo was jealous of the boy- now named Vincent- because Vincent was much prettier than he was. He turned to his computer, growling "Computer program, at my command. Tell me who's the hottest Midgar man."

When the mirror responded that it was Vincent, Hojo yelled and screamed and carried on in a generally wicked-witchly fashion. And then ordered the huntsman- Reno- to take Vincent out into the woods and kill him. Reno was struck by the young man's beauty and couldn't bring himself to shoot Vincent in the head. Instead, he sent him deep into the forest, hoping he'd get eaten by bears or something.

Instead of being eaten by bears, Vincent found his way to a small house, which was empty- for now. There was a bunch of beds, though. Vincent looked around in confusion, then leaned against a wall, crossed his arms, and brooded. He had developed an immensely sexy brood. Soon afterwards, there was the sound of whistling, and a rather varied group of people tromped into the cabin. A tall blond guy with a pike-ish thing, two black-haired girls, one with a big-ass shurikenish thing, a cat sitting on a large red wolf, and a huge black man with a metal arm.

They were taken very off-guard by the brooding- and extremely sexy- intruder into their house, but they got into their battle positions before Vincent explained that he had left Shinra and needed somewhere to stay. The blond suggested they let him stay as their sex slave, but he was overruled and it was decided that Vincent could be part of their gang. The 'stay at home and clean and cook' part. He was a little nonplussed because he'd never done either before.

Well, the next morning, Hojo again went to his mirror and asked who the fairest in the land was. When he recieved the answer that Vincent was still the sexiest, he got mad and yelled at Reno. Reno was all "Well, he was dead when I last saw him, maybe someone used a Phoenix Down, zo to."

Hojo wasn't pleased with this answer. He dressed up as an oooold woman and headed out to look for Vincent, selling pretty red cloaks. When he got to the little house in the woods, he knocked, and Vincent answered. Hojo convinced Vincent to try on one of his cloaks to replace his old one, but when he did, the stand up collar covered his mouth and nose so he couldn't breathe! He passed out, and Hojo left him for dead.

When the gang came home that evening, they found their brand new sex slave- er, housemaid- sprawled in the entrance way. Cid kneeled down and cut the cloak away and he took a deep breath, then sat up. "I think that was Hojo," he said. "I'll have to be more careful and not open the door."

Everyone agreed and trotted happily off to fight evil the next day. But when Hojo found out that he still wasn't the fairest, he threw a temper tantrum, and then dressed up as an entirely different old lady, and wandered off to the little house again, this time selling headbands. Vincent was torn. He really wanted a headband! It would set off his cloak and pretty skin and gorgeous hair so nicely... and it was a totally different old lady. Completely different. So he opened the door.

The headband, unfortunately, had poison on the underside. Damn, you're gullible, Vincent. He swooned very gracefully- but it was still completely masuculine. Completely. The gang was not impressed when they returned to find him apparently dead on the floor of the house again, but they took off the headband and he woke right up. "Cain ye stop doin' that, laddie?' asked Cait Sith, his scottish accent much more apparent than it seems.

Vincent agreed that he would under no circumstances open the doors for any old ladies. Of course, this was broken the very next day when they found him lying on the floor, with a very pretty apple he'd taken a bite out of.

"That guy is so much more trouble than he's worth." Everyone in the party agreed and they put Vincent in a coffin and shoved him in the basement. A long time passed. Nobody wondered why Vincent hadn't started smelling up the house, but nobody really cared, either. They were too busy fighting Shinra. Eventually, a wandering guy with extremely spiky blonde hair came to the house. "I need to inspect your house for clues!" he said. They agreed- after all, the spikier the hair, the more heroic the dude.

He got to the basement and saw the extremely pretty- and mysteriously composed- Vincent, lying in his coffin. "Woah. Who is that?" he asked.

"That's our housemaid. He really sucked, and then he died, so we just shoved him down there."

Cloud opened the coffin. "Would it be creepy if I kissed him?"

"Uh, yes. Insanely."

Cloud leaned over to do it anyways, but he jarred the coffin and it fell over, making a piece of apple fall out of Vincent's throat. He sat up, banging into Cloud. "Oh. Sorry."

Cloud just blinked dreamily. "Oh, that's all right. What's your name? I'm Cloud."

"I'm Vincent. Stop staring at me." Vincent stood up,wrapping his cloak around him. "I'll be going now. You're all insane."

He swept out of the house and into the horizon, and everyone lived happily ever after except for Cloud. And Hojo, who danced himself to death wearing heated shoes, for some strange reason.

THE END


End file.
